[div]賴在家裡的賴家裡的家裡[/div]

之前在網路上看到這篇分享文
實在是太好笑

在此貼上完整英文版
加上自己拙劣的中文翻譯(請勿鞭打>~<)

●●●●● WHY NEVER TO ASK FAVOURS FROM THE DESIGNERS ●●●●●
　　　　　　　　　　　Ⓞ 千萬別找設計師幫忙 Ⓞ


Shannon (the secretary) has lost her cat and has asked David (the graphic designer) 
to help with a lost poster.

This is their email correspondence...
Read from top to bottom...


秘書夏儂的貓走失了，她請了平面設計師好友大衛幫她做一張尋貓啟事。

這是他們的通信內容…
請依序讀完…

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 09:15
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then 
so I was wondering if you are not too busy you could make a poster for me.
It has to  be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy
and is black and white and about 8 months old.
Missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks.

Shan


嗨
昨天我的貓趁我開紗門時跑出去之後就這樣走失了，
所以我想若你有空能否幫我做張尋貓啟事。
我想要A4大小的，今天下午我會拿去影印然後到處貼在我住的社區。

這是我僅有的一張她的照片，
她叫蜜西，是一隻八個月大、黑白色的貓。
她是在哈博街走失的，另外再附上我的電話號碼。
謝謝。

夏儂

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 09:26
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree.
How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all
what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone...
possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle,
calling out " Shannon, where are you?"

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course,
drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Regards,
David


親愛的夏儂，

這真是個令我震驚的新聞，好在我讀妳的信時是坐著的，而不是爬梯子或爬樹爬到一半。
妳怎麼能忍得住？我很驚訝妳還能鞭策自己要好好上班。
這時候蜜西可能正饑寒交迫，獨自害怕瑟縮著…
搞不好後腳還被車子輾過、倒在馬路邊，叫著：『夏儂，妳在哪兒？』

雖然今天下午我有兩位客戶等著要收件，
不過我會盡力去做任何我能做的，讓蜜西快點回來。

此致

大衛

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 09:37
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

Yeah ok thanks.
I know you don't like cats but I am really worried about mine.
I have to leave at 1pm today.

好，謝謝。
我知道你並不喜歡貓，但我是真的很擔心我的貓。
我今天下午一點之前要走。

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 10:17
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

I never said I don't like cats.

Once, having been invited to a party,
I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star Boots.
They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly
I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short.

As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk.
After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet.
Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven,
spilling Malibu & coke onto his t-shirt, and he punched me.

An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat.
The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair,
slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash.
In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants.
I liked that cat. Attached poster as requested.

Regards,
David.


親愛的夏儂，

我從未說過我不喜歡貓。

有一次我受邀參加一個派對，
我特地事先去買了新衣服和一雙名貴的G-Star短靴，
它有兩個尺寸都太小，但我實在是很想要，
我就想要是不穿襪子、再把指甲剪得很短就可以穿了。

因為派對地點離我家才幾個街口而已，所以我決定用走的，
但才過了一個，我的雙腳就已完全失去知覺。
到了現場，我絆了一跤撞到一個叫史蒂芬的人、
把馬里布蘭姆酒和可樂都濺到他的T恤上，然後他就揍了我。

約一小時後，他往已經有隻貓在上面的那張椅子坐了下去，
讓貓嚇得一直亂抓、咆哮，也嚇得史蒂芬從椅子上跳起來、跌倒在地毯上，
而且前額還撞上音響的邊角，多了條兩吋長的傷口，
那隻貓還嚇到失禁，牠離開史蒂芬身旁時，還在他的卡其褲後面留下了髒污。

我喜歡那隻貓。下面附上你要的海報。

此致

大衛



附註、【迷失蜜西，夏儂出品】

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 10:24
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Yeah that's not what I was looking for at all.
It looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

這完全不是我要的啊，這看起來好像電影海報，而且為什麼蜜西的照片這麼小張啊？

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 10:28
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards,
David.


親愛的夏儂，

這就是設計，這隻貓迷失在一個留白的空間。

此致

大衛

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 10:33
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

That's just stupid. Can you do it properly, please?
I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. You seem to think it is funny.
Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour, please. Thanks.

這真的蠢斃了，可以請你好好做嗎？
我真的為了這件事非常傷心，而且哭了一整晚都沒睡，但你好像覺得很有趣。
你可以把照片弄大一些、修改一下文字內容、然後再上色嗎？拜託了，謝謝。

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 10:46
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood,
despite our vague suggestions; otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism.
I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages,
log onto Facebook and look out of the window.

I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied
with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections
or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water.

I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.

Regards,
David


親愛的夏儂，

和設計師共事也好幾年了，我假設妳能理解一件事，
除了我們這裡有些模糊不清的意見之外，我們不甚歡迎有建設性的評論，
就像我平常並不會下樓告訴妳該如何發出文字訊息、登入Facebook和觀賞窗外風景。

由於妳的確是一心想讓蜜西從繁忙的十字路口、或漸漸注滿水的排水溝裡回到妳身邊，
我願意忽視妳所謂愚蠢之類失禮的言論。

我曾經在一個水井裡耗了三天，只是為了好玩。
我已經按照妳的每一項要求做了修改，附檔如下。

此致

大衛



附註、【『極其激動，我在淚中。』夏儂．渥克利，那位秘書。《迷失蜜西》－夏儂的史詩作品】

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 10:59
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one.
Can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy
and delete the stupid text that says " Missing Missy" off it?
I just want it to say Lost.

這比剛才那張更爛了啊！
你可以做一張能看見蜜西完整照片、而且刪掉「迷失蜜西」這句蠢話的海報嗎？
我只是想要表達牠走失了這件事。 

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 11:14
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster



附註、【失】

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 11:21
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Yeah can you do the poster or not?
I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number
and when and where she was lost and her name.
Not like a movie poster or anything stupid.

I have to leave early today.
If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

你到底是會不會做海報啊？！
我只是想要上面有一張照片、走失字樣、聯絡電話、走失的時間地點和她的名字而已，
而不是電影海報或任何愚蠢的東西。

我今天要比較早走，
如果這是你的貓我就會幫你。謝謝。 

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 11:32
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon, 

I don’t have a cat.
I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week
but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter,
I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it.

If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces,
I wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke.

A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat,
I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him.

Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package
and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars.
He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions. 

Regards,
David


親愛的夏儂，

我並沒有養貓。
我曾經答應幫朋友照顧一星期的貓，
但那是因為他直接把貓丟到我的公寓裡、還跟我解釋大概怎麼使用貓沙的緣故；
我把貓放在棚子的一個硬紙箱裡，之後就忘了這件事。

如果我會想要餵什麼吃東西或清理排泄物的話，
我就不會在我媽中風之後把她送去療養院了。

一個星期後，當我的朋友來跟我要他的貓時，
我假裝自己都不在家，然後把箱子寄給他。

顯然我在包裏上貼的郵票還不夠多，他必須自己去郵局認領還要補上18元，
他現在有時候還是會提起這件事，但人得學會放下。

我已附上經由妳詳細教導之後所修改的版本。

此致

大衛

 

附註、照片不符 

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 11:47
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

That's not my cat.
Where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange.
I gave you a photo of my cat.

那不是我的貓啊，你從哪裡找到這張照片的？
那隻貓是橘色的耶，我有給你我的貓的照片啊！ 

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 11:58
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute.

As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends,
it is possible you might get a better cat out of this.

If anybody calls and says " I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one
with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?"
you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill. 

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident
and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels.
If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed
and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed.
I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races.
If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.

Regards,
David


我知道，但是這隻很可愛耶。

在蜜西相當有可能遇上諸多慘烈的不測之一後，
你有可能可以得到一隻像這樣更可愛的貓。

若有人打電話給妳，說：『我沒見過妳的橘毛貓，但我找到一隻後腿被車子輾過的黑白色的貓，妳要牠嗎？』
你可以禮貌性的婉拒他，還省了一筆醫藥費。

我知道有個人養了一隻因意外失去後腿的巴吉度獵犬，牠都要依靠小輪椅才能走路，
若我是那隻狗的主人，我會要求醫生把牠四條腿都切除，然後全部換上可以用搖控器控制的輪子，
我可以讓鄰居的小孩付錢騎牠，還可以牽去參加賽車，
若我有的是一匹這樣的馬，我會騎著牠上下班，而且我會將牠取名為史蒂芬。

此致

大衛 

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 12:07
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

拜託你用我給你的那張照片。 

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 12:22
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww



附註、「酬金：兩千元」

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 12:34
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didn't say there was a reward. I don't have $2000.
What did you even put that there for?
Apart from that it is perfect, can you please remove the reward bit?
Thanks.

Shan

我沒說過要提供報酬的啊，而且我也沒有兩千元可以給。
你沒事寫這句幹嘛啊？！
不過除了這個以外其它都很完美，可以請你把酬金的部分刪掉嗎？
謝謝。

夏儂 

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 12:42
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww



附註、「無酬。」

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 12:51
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether?
I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

可以拜託請你把任何有關報酬的部分都刪掉嗎？？
我在十分鐘內就要走了，但我依然沒能把海報複印出來。 

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 12:56
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww



附註、加了紅色禮帽的貓

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday, 21 June, 2010 13:03
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

算了，就這張吧。